Dreams
by SillyOldThing
Summary: The aftermath of episode 8/12. Reid tries to cope with his loss. Spoilers for episode 8x12
1. Chapter 1

**Dreams**

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

_'Everything is clearer when you're in love'_ ~ John Lennon.

It used to be when the world was too much to handle. Spencer could find relief in sleep. To have hours when he was blessedly unconcious. Sleep was restorative, it was healing. Except now he forced himself to stay awake just so he would not have that same dream, that nightmare.

Before he had actually met Maeve, the dream had a rather disturbing surreal quality. In it he was getting married and when he lifted the veil of his bride, she was literally faceless. That was usually the part where he would wake up.

The dream had changed. Now when he lifted the veil he saw Maeve's beautiful face. He would feel this brief surge of joy as he drank in her beauty. She would smile sweetly at him, her light blue eyes would gaze into his and as her lips parted he would lean forward to kiss her, a thin trickle of dark red blood would run down her cheek and then another until one side of her face was completely covered in blood. He would see the gaping hole in her temple. He opened his mouth to scream and no sound would come out. Spencer would wake up either sobbing and shaking or having to run to the bathroom to vomit.

He felt like he was in his own personal hell. There was no escape. He had taken time off from work in fact they ordered him to. That was fine with him. He couldn't stand being around people. He did not want their sympathetic looks and the awkwardness of them not knowing what to say to him. He wanted to be left alone.

It had been days since he had showered or dressed or even made himself a meal. He would answer his phone only because he knew if he didn't they would come rushing over and he couldn't bear that. He rejected their offers of company or dinner at their homes. They mean't well, but he didn't feel real anymore. He was a shadow. He felt a brief twinge in his arm where he had been shot. It was healing and he was going to miss the pain. It was at least a reminder that he was still here.

The phone rang, he looked at the clock, It was 9 pm. He knew it was Morgan; he called every night at the same time. He took a deep breath and answered.

"Hello," Reid said.

"Hey kid, feel like some company tonight?" Morgan asked.

"No, ... I mean I'm going to bed early," Spencer answered, his own voice sounded hollow to him.

"Oh ok, you sure? I could pick up some Indian food, we could hang out,"

Spencer knew Morgan mean't well. "I'm going to bed early," he repeated. To think of phrasing the sentence another way just seemed like too much effort.

He heard Morgan sigh. "Ok Reid, talk to you tomorrow," they said goodnight to one another and hung up

Spencer stared at the phone. The next well meaning call would come in exactly 18 minutes. It would be JJ then Garcia and so on.

For the next half hour he satisfied everyones need that he was still alive at least in body.

He closed his eyes and laid back down on the leather sofa. For the last ten months he had never seen Maeve's face, now he couldn't stop seeing it. Eventually he fell asleep and the dream would come again as it did the next night and the night after that.

TBC.

AN: A little depressing huh? That was the saddest episode I have ever seen please read and review.


	2. What If

**What if.**

Disclaimer: Donnt own Criminal Minds or Reid.

_''Living is easy with eyes closed'_ ~ John Lennon

Some days while Spencer lay in his darkened bedroom staring at the ceiling his brain would eventually turn to the game of _'what if'_. It was a destuctive useless exercise devised by his mind to torture him in his waking hours. Try as he might, he could not stop.

Reid knew that '_hindsight is 20/20' _still he couldn't make his brain not go there.

'What if he had shown more passion when Diane was kissing him. Maeve could have escaped.

'what if he had found her stalker earliar'

' What if he had just told Maeve to stay with _him_ so he could protect her'

What if...

What if...

What if...

The possibilities were endless.

The only thing that tortured him more was thinking about the life they might have had together. He loved her and wished he had told her so. He had wanted to grow old with her. He was certain now he would grow old alone.

XXXXX

Hotch looked around the jet. The team was unusually subdued. They had been out of town for less than three days and had successfully caught the killer. JJ was curled up on the sofa with a blanket. Morgan sat with his head phones while Blake seemed immersed in a book, though he had noticed she had not turned a single page in twenty minutes. Rossi sat across from him with his eyes closed. He knew what was causing this group malaise. It was Reid and the horrific thing that happened to the woman he was in love with and the failure to save her, their failure to save her.

Reid was still staying at home, he asked that cases be sent to him and he would try to assist as best he could. The entire team had tried to reach out to him but he rejected each and every offer of a shoulder to lean or cry on. He wanted to isolate himself for a while and Hotch understood, maybe even more than anyone else here. He had Jack, and the love and care of his son was what probably held him together more than anything else. What did Reid have at the end of the day? memories of a possible future that had beens crushed to dust.

Rossi opened his eyes and studied the face of the man across from him.

"You're thinking about Reid aren't you?" He said.

"And you aren't?" said Hotch.

Rossi nodded."I dont think I'll ever get that image out of my head."

Hotch knew what he was talking about. That moment seconds after Maeve was shot when the team stood there imobilized, bearing silent witness to Reid's grief. It was horrible. Hotch predicted that time would blur those memories and the painful sharp edges would be honed down for all of them except for Reid, whose idetic memory would preserve that day fresh and crystal clear in his mind forever.

"Neither will Reid," said Aaron sadly.

Sitting with his head phones on, Derek heard his two colleagues talking. His IPod was not playing anything. He just wished to be left alone. He wanted to help his friend but he knew not how.

Why didn't Reid tell them about her sooner?, ten months they were together and only recently did they realize he was serious about someone. Maybe they could have helped her sooner.

Derek didn't like the answer to that question. Reid didn't tell them about her because he didn't want to be mercilessly teased. That's what he did wasn't it? Tease Reid. He looked across at JJ. He wasn't the only one who carried around a burden of guilt. JJ felt ever since that thing with Prentiss, Reid didn't quite trust her anymore. They had made up, but a small part of that relationship had been damaged and JJ knew it.

The pilot came on and announced they would be landing soon. Everyone was glad to be going home. Each one thinking that when they got home they would call Reid. No one admitted it but they liked the reasurance of hearing his voice and had not come to any harm. JJ recalled the time when Spence would come to her house and cry about Prentiss. He was nearly inconsolable. What would this do to him? He no longer sought her out for comfort. She was afraid what he would turn to.

TBC.

AN Please read and review.


	3. Chapter 3

**Barely there**

Disclaimer:I do not own Criminal Minds.

_" I walk slowly but I never walk backward_," ! attributed to Abraham Lincoln.

Emily Prentiss poured herself another glass of scotch and fell into the nearest armchair. Two hours ago she had been relaxing in her London flat listening to a jazz CD given to her by a very interesting attractive neighbour, when her phone rang, it was long distance.

She had been pleased when she saw the call was from Penelope Garcia. Garcia called her often and kept her updated on the goings ons with her friends and former colleagues. The most interesting tidbit she had recently imparted was that the painfully shy and brilliant Dr Reid had a secret girl friend and by the looks of it he was quite smitten with her.

She smiled when she picked up the phone and hoped Garcia had some more delicious information along those lines. What she got instead was a shakey voiced Garcia barely able to hold it together. It scared the hell out of her.

"Emily, I've been putting off calling you, something bbad happened a few days ago." Garcia began.

"Garcia, what's wrong, what is it?". Emily felt a wave of fear wash over her.

Garcia told her the devastating news. About Maeve, her horrible death and Reid who had gone into seclusion. He wouldn't answer the door or his phone.

"I'm so scared Emily, nobody has ever seen him like this, he's in so much pain we don't know what to do."

Emily felt like her heart was in her throat, She had seen Reid endure a lot but this was simply too much.

"Oh Garcia, " she said softly. She was speechless. Reid had found love only to have it cruely ripped away from him. She listened to Garcia pour out her fears and let her cry.

"I'm sorry to unload this on you Emily, but I know you love Reid too. Maybe you could call him, he might pick up the phone if knows it you." she sniffed

"I will Garcia," She didn't know what to say to comfort her.

"Ok, thank you. I better get back to work, goodbye Emily."

"Bye Garcia, stay strong for Reid ok."

As soon as she hung up she poured her first Scotch. This news hit her like a punch in the gut. Reid must be suffering and she was thousands of miles away. She closed her eyes and his lovely face floated up in front of her. She could see those beautiful deep set eyes that were a mixture of innocence and wisdom .

"_Dear sweet Reid, why is everything so hard for you, so damned cruel," _she thought.

Her heart ached for him and wished she could take away his pain. The same way she did a long time ago but she knew this time she couldn't and she began to cry.

XXXX

Spencer picked up the copy of the Arthur Conan Doyle book Maeve had given him and held it close to his heart. He had read the inscription probably a thousand times the past week, each time hearing her voice as he read it.

It was all he had left of her. Today was Sunday, the day they used to spend hours on the phone with each other. He had practically lived for those days. For the first time in his life he had been happy, he had something to look forward to, and now he would never hear her voice again.

The phone rang again, he let the answering machine take it. It was Emily.

"_Hello Reid, it's Emily. umm... Garcia told me what happened... I'm so sorry Spencer. I know you probably don't want to talk right now but if you do call me , it doesn't matter what time of the day or night. again I'm so sorry."_ The call ended

Reid clasped the book tighter. It felt hard to breathe. The pain was becoming unbearable. He needed to take away this hurt. In his mind he heard the ghost of Tobias Hankle's soft voice as if he were in the room with him.

_"It'll help,"_ Said Tobias in a gentle tone.

"NO NO NO " Screamed Reid.

He suddenly jumped up off the couch and began to trash his living room in a blind fury, Throwing his precious books everywhere. They no longer mattered, nothing did.

Finally wearing himself out, he sunk to the floor and crawled to the sofa. Reid took the Conan Doyle book and hugged it to his body, he curled up on the floor and finally gave in to exhaustion.

TBC.

AN: I promise the next chapter wont be this dark. Please read and review.


	4. Chapter 4

**Starting Over**

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal minds.

_'Our hours in love have wings, in absence crutches.'~ _Colley Cibber.

XXXXXX

Spencer woke up again with the sensation that he couldn't breathe. He took a deep breath and exhaled, attempting to let some of the tension out of his body. He wanted to sleep now. he told the team that he would be back at work tomorrow. Not that they would hold him to it, Hotch even suggested he stay home a little longer as he did when Haley died. Hotch had Jack at home to care for, He himself was alone with only his thoughts and memories.

Last week JJ. Garcia and Morgan had come over and helped him clean up his apartment. He was grateful for their assistance and not one of them had asked why half the books he owned were strewn all over his apartment floor. He was loathe to tell them what he had been looking for. It also gave them some sense that they were helping him and that he was ready to move on. It wasn't really moving on; when everyone had gone home he took the book Maeve had given him and placed it on the shelf. It was put away but it wasn't out of sight. The pain of losing her was still deeply engraved in his heart, Her voice echoed in his ears and at the most unexpected times her beautiful face would appear in his minds eye. That face he had so little time to see but he would remember forever.

Reid was forcing himself to start over by trying to appear and act as normal as possible. Act was the key word. He could not imagine a time this pain would not be a permanent part of him. In the mornings he would shower, eat breakfast, go to work come home, sleep and then do it all over again the next day . He would be like a robot programmed to repeat actions over and over again. It made evryone elsre happier if it seemed like he were moving on.

He had not returned the call to Prentiss, somehow he couldn't bring himself to talk to her, he was unable to fool her, she always saw right through him. He didn't want her kind words and sympathy. He also didn't want to cry anymore. He wanted to just be.

He would start writing letters to his mother again, he had stopped when Maeve died. The staff at Bennington were so concerned that they called to see if something had happened to him. He never missed a letter, even when he was higher than a kite, he still managed to write his mother on a regular basis.

Thinking of his mother brought back an old memory. He recalled coming down with the flu when he was about 11. His mother was having one of her bad episodes and barely knew he was even in the house. He was sick and there was no one to look after him. He remembered lying there feverishly longing for a regular mom that would kiss his brow to gauge his temperature and make him soup. He felt the same way now. He dismissed these yearnings as childish and finally gave up on sleep and got up to make a pot of coffee.

XXXX

David was the second member of the team to get in early, usually he headed straight for his desk but the sight of Hotch staring out a window in his office struck him as rather odd. He hoped nothing else had happened. Today was supposed to be Reid's first full day back.

"Aaron, everything alright?" Dave asked.

Hotch turned around, he was holding a file in his hand.

"The unsub that has been copying murders in cases we have solved has commtted another one. I just received this photo from the Portland Police department."

David frowned, there was something in Hotch's voice that made Dave think that this particular one was more heinous than the others.

"Do you want the team to see it when they get in?"

Hotch appeared to be having some inner debate on what to do. He slowly shook his head and laid the file down for Dave to see.

Rossi gasped when he saw the picture "Son of a bitch" he whispered.

Hotch nodded, "Reid can't see this, we haven't been asked to come in on the case, so for now let's just keep this particular crimescene between ourselves for awhile."

Rossi agreed. "This is the last thing he needs to see on his first day back," he picked up the file and studied the detail in the picture

The photo showed two women lying on a floor side by side with blood pooled around their heads caused by a single gunshot wound.

TBC.

Please read and review.


	5. Undone

**Undone**

Disclaimer : I do not own Criminal !

_'A retentive memory is a good thing, but the ability to forget is the true token of greatness,'_ ~Christina Rossetti.

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Reid settled himself on the jet. The team was was flying to NYC and it was a very short flight. These days he usually pretended to read, but this time the threat of a headache forced him to find a place to sit by himself in the darkest corner of the jet and close his eyes. No one questioned him on where he sat or what he did.

It pissed him off that his headaches were starting to return. Maeve had helped him but she wasn't here anymore. He did all the things she had suggested but they didn't seem to work . Perhaps the real reason for his headache cure had been Maeve herself, not the vitimin shots and rest she had prescribed. Maybe it was due to the fact for the first time ever, he'd had love in his life. The love they had for each other had taken away his pain and lonliness. Now he felt like a empty shell.

After the last two cases he wondered if he were becoming a empty unfeeling shell. His mind went back to the case of the man with the alternate personalities, A subject he was intimately familiar with. He remembered being in the basement pointing a gun at the unsub as she threatened JJ. He was ready to shoot her without a seconds hesitation. He stood only a couple of feet behind her and it would have been so easy. He wished he'd had the same chance with Maeve's killer. Morgan managed to trick the young woman into dropping her weapon. Reid had grabbed her by the arms and a part of him wanted to twist them from their sockets just for daring to try to hurt someone he cared about.

Two weeks later the opportunity presented itself again. He was in another basement; the unsub was cradling his dead former lover in his arms and threatening to take his own life with a gun to his head. Much like Diane had done. Reid felt his finger literally itch to pull the trigger. He wanted to just shoot this man and be done with it. Again the unsub was talked down.

His head was starting to throb too much to analyse these violent feelings he was having. He imagined Maeve's sweet voice talking to him, he thought it would soothe him, but it only made his heart hurt.

XXXXX

Morgan watched his friend sitting in the corner of the jet with his eyes closed. He saw Reid grimace every once in a while like he was in pain and he probably was. Reid had been back at work now for several weeks. His quality of work was pretty much up to par. However if one looked closely enough there were changes in the young agent that maybe only a profiler would notice. Subtle changes that on the surface seemed like nothing, but when you were dealing with a genius like Spencer Reid, it was a mistake to take anything for granted.

Morgan cast his eyes on the young man's clothing. Reid now wore almost exclusively dark colors, which Morgan supposed made sense since he was mourning the only woman he had ever loved. His appearance was slightly disheveled. He didn't wear ties anynmore, something he had done for years. Half the time he had a five oclock shadow, whereas the old Reid was meticulous about being clean shaven.

Morgan sighed, he reasoned that these changes were normal and all had to do with the loss of Maeve.

He saw Reid grimace again as if in pain, actual physical pain. He so badly wanted to help his friend.

His thoughts were interupted by a calm voice over the intercom, the pilot was announcing the jet was going to land soon. Morgan saw Reid open his eyes and look straight at him. Morgan gave him an encouraging smile. Reid nodded and closed his eyes again.

The jet was making it's descent. They would be in NYC soon. For some reason these assignments in NY were always a little different than the rest.

This trip would prove to be no exception.

TBC

AN Please read and review

XXXXX


	6. Chapter 6

**Seeing Things**

Disclaimer" I do not own Criminal Minds

_'Eliminate all other factors, and the one which remains must be the truth'~_Sherlock Holmes.

XXXXXX

Once the team landed in NYC, it seemed like they hit the ground running. The detective who met them at the airport took them directly to the latest crime scene. Drivers of gypsy cabs were being murdered cabs execution style. They were discovered in older residential neighourhoods with blindfolds on and a bullet in the back of their heads.

The drivers of the cabs had nothing in common other than the way they met their end.

Reid stood with his team at the cordoned off area of an usually safe neighbourhood. He looked around, there was the usual crowd of onlookers that you found with any crime scene. People had a morbid fascination with murder and accidents, It didn't seem to matter what city they were in. Human nature was the same everywhere.

Reid walked up to the victim in the cab. The middle aged man had his hands on his lap, his head bent forward with his chin almost touching his chest. If it weren't for the for the blood and the blindfold. The man almost looked like he was just taking a nap in his car. To see the blindfold on the man was unnerving to say the least.

Reid stepped back as Morgan and Rossi examined the car and the body of the victim. Hotch and JJ were talking to the detective on the case Reid surveyed the crowd as his eyes took in the scene around him.

He began to feel a strange sensation. It felt like the hairs on the back of his neck were standing on end. He shivered as if he were cold. It almost felt like someone was watching him. He had the same sensation the night he was supposed to meet Maeve in the restaurant. He shook himself, seeing the blindfold must have affected him more than he thought. The feeling wouldn't go away. He turned quickly and out of the corner of his eye he saw her; walking away was a slim figure of a woman with long dark hair pulled back into a thick ponytail. She wore jeans and a heavy cardigan and he could tell she had her hands shoved in her pockets. She looked so familiar, but it was impossible, it couldn't be her.

"WAIT," He called, he began to follow her.

She started walking faster as if she knew he was after her. There was so many people on the street he began to lose sight of her.

"Maeve, " He called helplessly. He couldn't see her anymore, it was if she had been swallowed up by the crowd. His chest felt heavy and he felt a pain inside

"Maeve," he repeated, but this time softly. He stopped walking and just stared out onto the street. Here he was surrounded by millions of people and he had never felt so alone.

"Reid, are you ok, where were you going?" Spencer became aware of Rossi and Morgan standing behind him.

Reid turned around, what could he say to them?, '_Sorry guys I just thought I saw my dead girlfriend, that's why I left the crime scene' _No, that wouldn't do.

"I just thought I saw something. Sorry, I was mistaken." he said. He gave them a weak smile. Rossi and Morgan exchanged looks. Reid was acting odd. They both wondered if the young agent had come back to work too soon.

All three went back to the crime scene. Hotch told Reid to go with Morgan back to the police station and work on a geographical profile. Reid was relieved. He wanted to get away from this crowd.

xxxxx

Two nights later Reid awoke in his hotel room in a cold sweat. He had the dream. He was marrying Maeve, except this time when he lifted her veil she pulled away from him and began to run. He started chasing her, calling her name. She kept screaming she'd rather die than be with him.

The next night he had the dream again, but this time blood was running down her face and she was sobbing "_You killed me Spencer, you killed me," _

When Reid woke up he jumped out of bed and he was determined not to go back to sleep. It was only 5 am, nearly time to get up anyway. He decided he would head down to the lobby for some coffee, come back to the room and go over the details of the case.

He pushed the hotel room curtain open. All the street lights were still on and it there was a light sprinkle of rain. He saw a Diner across the road. There was a woman standing alone on the side walk in front of it. She wore a dark raincoat and she was staring directly at the hotel entrance. Reid squinted and rubbed his eyes. He thought he still must be dreaming but knew he wasn't. His heart began to hammer inside his chest. It was her again. He couldn't quite make out her face. Then she very quickly looked up. She was so far away he could hardly make out her features in the rain. She had seen him, he was sure of it. He pounded on the window. She turned and once again rushed away.

Spencer began to hyperventilate. He was losing his mind, it was finally happening, A gripping pain snaked up his arm and he felt like he couldn't breathe. He felt like he was dying and began to panic. Reid reached for his phone and knocked the lamp on the floor causing it to smash. He heard muffled voices outside in the hall and people calling his name. They were banging on his door now. He wanted to answer but no sound would leave his lips. He felt himself passing out.

"Help," he managed to whisper before the darkness claimed him.

TBC.

PLease read and review! I want to know If anyone is enjoying the story.


	7. Chapter 7

**A Friend**

Disclaimer : I do not own Criminal minds:

_'Friendship always benefits, love sometimes injures.'~ _Seneca.

Hotch and Morgan had hotel rooms on either side of Reid's room. They had both heard the yelling and the noise, and they both stepped out into the hall to investigate at the same time.

Morgan began to knock loudly on the door and call Reid's name, Hotch spotted a maid with her cleaning cart a few rooms down. He motioned to her and said they needed to get in the room. He turned and saw that Morgan had other ideas.

"MORGAN WAIT!" yelled Hotch.

But Morgan didn't wait. He put his siziable well musceled shoulder to the door and gave it a hard shove, then followed it up with a good hard kick. The door was no match for Derek Morgan, it burst open on it's hinges. A stunned maid stood there gaping at him while the keycard to the room dangled from her hand.

Hotch and Morgan, rushed into the room; they found Reid crumpled up on the floor like a rag doll surrounded by shards of broken glass. Morgan bent down and gathered the young man in his arms; Hotch felt for a pulse.

"Reid, Reid," Morgan said while gently shaking his friend. Reid moaned and began to stir.

"He's got a pulse and it's racing " said Hotch. He noted Reid's skin was pale and clammy. He helped Morgan lift the young man onto the bed.

"Morgan be careful of the glass on the floor" advised Hotch. He took a careful look around the was really nothing amiss aside from the broken lamp and they knew that had just happened. There was no sign he had been drinking, so he wasn't drunk nor did he see any signs of drugs. He kind of hated himself for even thinking that way, but after what Reid had been through, he had to consider any possibility.

"What the hell happened here" It was Rossi, still a little blurry eyed and in his pyjamas, he had heard the commotion from across the hall.

"We don't know," answered Hotch, who stood watching his youngest agent slowly become aware.

"Hotch and I heard all the noise coming from Reid's room. we heard him yelling then this lamp smash." Morgan said gesturing to the mess on the carpet.

"Do we need to call an ambulance?" Rossi asked.

"No, don't call an ambulance, I know what happened," Reid said in a barely audible voice. He was sitting up in bed with his hands over his face.

"What, what happened?," asked Rossi.

Reid sighed, "I think I had a panic attack, I'm sorry, I'm really sorry."

Hotch frowned, in all the years he'd worked with Reid he had never known him to have panic attacks.

"What brought it on?" asked Morgan.

Reid looked up at the three men with their worried expressions. He stared straight ahead as he spoke.

"I had a nightmare, a really bad one. It was about Maeve. It woke me up and... it just seemed so real, I..." He faltered.

Suddenly, a look of understanding crossed their faces. They almost looked relieved.

Reid couldn't tell them what really set him off. He couldn't tell them what he saw out the window.

Hotch nodded to the other two men and they left the room. He sat down on the edge of the bed and spoke to Reid in a very gentle voice.

"Reid, I want you to please think about taking more time off."

Reid shook his head "No, please Hotch. I need to work," He looked at Hotch with a pleading expression.

Hotch truly did understand, and perhaps Reid was right to keep his mind occupied with work. It always worked for him.

"Do you feel like you need to see a doctor, or do you want anyone to stay with you? " Hotch asked.

"No, I really am ok now, " He saw the scowl on the unit chiefs face. "Perhaps I'll see my own physician when I get home," He really had no intention of doing that, but it seemed to appease Hotch for the moment.

"Ok Reid, If you feel up to it, meet us for breakfast in 30 minutes." Hotch told him.

"Thanks Hotch."

Hotch left the room and Spencer immediately jumped up and went to the window. All he saw outside was the busy NY street. No dark haired woman in a rain coat.

He thought he must have dream't it. maybe he _had_ been half asleep. He didn't really believe that, but for the time being he was going to pretend he did. He decided he was going to fight this. Whatever this was.

With a newfound sense of determination, he set about getting ready for work. He was going to think only about work, though Maeve still lived inside his head like a silent forlorn memory that was in no danger of fading anytime soon.

XXXX

Two days later the case was solved and the team headed back home. It was late at night and the flight was short. Reid arrived back at his lonely apartment on a Sunday.

He couldn't help thinking this was usually the day he and Maeve would talk, sometime for hours. He missed her so much. He sat down on his sofa and saw the book Maeve had given him and frowned. He knew he had been looking at it before he went to NY, but he was certain it was lying face up and now the cover was face down. Maeve's brown cardigan which he sometimes slept in was folded neatly on the coffee table. He was sure he had left it laying on the back of the couch.

He felt an iciness come over him. He didn't believe in ghosts so he must have been the one to move both the book and sweater, but why couldn't he remember doing it. He held the sweater close to him, It smelled slightly of ivory soap. He never noticed that before.

Was this the subtle beginnings of madness? He curled up on the couch grasping the sweater to his heart. A single tear rolled down his face.

"Maeve, why wasn't it me?" he whispered.

TBC.

AN: Please read and review and let me know what you think.


	8. Chapter 8

**Distraction**

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

_'Everything gives cause for either laughter or tears,'_ ~ Seneca.

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Some days Reid was able to throw himself into his work and keep his mind so busy that a half hour would go by that he didn't think of Maeve. But the paper work that was at first almost soothing was now tedious. Spencer felt he could do some of these reports and consults in his sleep. Once again his mind and his heart would be filled with thoughts of Maeve.

Blake noticed the almost robot like precision in which Reid did his work. Often she would glance up and see Reid staring off into space, his mind seemingly a million miles away. It saddened her to think of how alone he must feel, so she suggested to Hotch that Reid join her in some of her classes at Georgetown as a guest lecturer. Hotch agreed, being away from the BAU for a few days might be a welcome change of scenery for the still grieving agent. Reid was only too happy to comply.

The following morning Reid dressed and showered, drank three cups of coffee and went outside and waited for Blake. She insisted on picking him up. He tried not to think about what happened to him in New York. He had to believe he was still in some sort of dream state during those times he thought he had seen Maeve. There had been no sightings since.

Blake was punctual, her SUV pulled up to the curb exactly when she said it would. He smiled when she gestured to the two x-large takeout coffees she had in the cup holders between the seats. They talked very little on the ride and that was fine. In many ways there was kind of a shorthand between them. They were comfortable enough in each others presence they didn't feel the need to make small talk.

Since Reid had worked with Blake before at Georgetown there was very little she had to explain to him. He watched the students as Alex spoke . She had their attention. When he got up to speak he only hoped he was half as interesting as her. She was a good teacher.

Time passed quickly, they ate lunch together, had one class in the afternoon and their day was finished. Alex dropped him off.

"Thank you Spencer," she said as he got out of the car.

He smiled, "I should be thanking you."

"Why?" she said, sounding surprised.

"I know this was supposed to get me out of the office,_ take my mind off things."_

"Did it?" she asked gently.

"For a little while," he gave her that same sad smile that made his eyes glisten.

"See you tomorrow Spencer," she waited until he entered his building then drove off.

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Reid didn't bother with dinner, he was tired and his stomach felt upset. He undressed and fell into bed and immediately went to sleep.

He dream't of Maeve again. This time the dream started out pleasantly. They were getting married, he lifted her 'veil and leaned in for a kiss. She started slowly moving away from him as if she were on wheels, he reached out to grab her, but she was always just slightly out of reach. The next moment he was dreaming he was in Blake's lecture hall. A student raised his hand.

"Yes, " said Reid.

"Why did you let your girlfriend die?" he asked.

Shocked by the question he turned away; on the whiteboard behind him, there was picture after picture of Maeve. She was lying on the ground with a bullet in her head. Spencer tried to scream but the effort woke him up. It was 4:45 in the morning, he did not go back to sleep.

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Blake noticed the change in Reid when she picked him up that morning, he looked dishevelled and tired.

"You ok ?' she asked as she handed him his coffee.

He blinked and put on his sunglasses. She noted his eyes were red as if he had been crying.

"Yes, just a headache," he lied.

She recalled him telling her about his headaches and wondered how serious they were. He leaned back in his seat as she drove. She wasn't going to interogate him. This was not what this exercise was about.

Reid began to feel slightly better as the day wore on. The coffee and the food Blake insisted he eat had made him feel a bit more enegetic. As Blake lectured the glass he watched the students. There was one girl who was dressed in a outfit similar to the one Maeve had worn, though he knew jeans and a zip up hoodie were common clothing items. There was another girl in the front row, she had her head turned away from him. She had long dark wavy hair pulled back into a messy ponytail, his heart began to beat faster. She looked like Maeve, that was until she turned around and he saw her heavily made up brown eyes and tiny pert nose. He took a deep breath to calm himself, he had to stop doing this, he was seeing her everywhere.

He heard Blake's cell go off. She looked at the text, nodded to Reid and told her teaching assistant to take over the class. Hotch needed them right away. Reid called and they were instructed to grab their go bags and head directly to the airstrip.

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The case was a bad one, it involved the abduction of a young woman. A medical intern who had not returned home after a long shift at the hospital. Local PD feared it was the work of a serial offender. Several people had gone missing over the past ten months.

The woman had a stalker. They discovered the stalker was the victims ex boyfriend. When he was confronted by the police and the team he shot himself and injured the woman, fortunately she pulled through and the case ended quickly.

No one had to say that there were similarities between this case and what had happened to Maeve. They were sensitive to how difficult it must have been for Reid, he was unusally quiet and withdrawn on the jet.

He pretended to sleep to keep everyone at bay. They thought the pain he must be feeling came from seeing another young doctor abducted. What was really painful was the fact that they were able to save this stranger but not the love of his life.

Hotch dropped Reid off at his apartment. He offered to come in and stay awhile if Reid needed some company or wanted to talk. Reid thanked him and told him no. He said it was late and all he was going to do was go straight to bed.

Spencer was exhausted, both mentally and physically, he wasn't lying when he said he intended to go to bed. He unlocked his apartment door. The moment he stepped into the room he was greeted by the strong aroma of brewed coffee. It stopped him in his tracks and he was instantly wide awake.

By the front windows that overlooked the street a small table lamp was on. He was certain he had turned off all the lights when he last left and he certainly would not have left his coffee maker on. His heart started to pound, someone had been here, he swallowed and tried to remain calm. There was nothing out of place.

He thought he heard a noise, the sound of someone breathing. He put his hand on his gun and walked toward his couch. Quietly he moved, barely making a sound until he reached the other end of the room. He turned and faced the sofa. What he saw made him stumble backward. He bit his lip in an effort not to gasp or scream.

There on the sofa lay a woman. She was curled up on her side. She wore bluejeans and the brown sweater that belonged to Maeve, her long dark hair was splayed over her face.

Spencer felt like his feet were cemented to the floor. He couldn't move or make a sound. He blinked several times to see if she would disappear, but she didn't.

His cell phone vibrated, he slowly reached into his pocket to retrieve it. It was Morgan.

"Hello," he whispered, never taking his eyes off the woman on the couch.

"Hey Reid, it that you, why are you whispering?"

"I don't want to wake her up,"

"Wake who up?" asked Morgan, his voice losing it's casualness.

"The woman sleeping on my couch... looks like Maeve,"

"Wait, what!, Reid what are you talking about? Reid!"

"Bye Morgan," Reid turned off his phone.

He took a tenative step forward and reached out his hand.

"Maeve," he whispered hoarsely.

TBC.

AN: Hope you liked this chapter. Please read and review.


	9. Chapter 9

Old Friend

Disclaimer: I do not own Criminal Minds.

_'There is no better looking glass than an old friend'_ ~ Thomas Fuller

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Reid reached over and gently pushed the long dark hair off the woman's face. He was about to repeat Maeves's name again, but her name froze on his lips when the woman suddenly opened her eyes. Spencer stood stock still barely able to breathe, she smiled at him and took his hand.

"Reid" said the all too familiar voice. She pushed her hair back and sat up.

Spencer stared at the vision before him, simitaneously experiencing a mixture of relief and dissappointment.

"Elle," he said quietly.

Elle went to him and hugged him, he felt too stunned to hug her back.

Suddenly it all made sense, the woman he had been seeing in NYC wasn't Maeve, it was Elle all along. He held her out at arms length and quickly took in her appearence. She looked good, she wore her hair differently. It was long again with bangs. She was dressed in jeans and a t-shirt, and for some reason she was wearing the cardigan that had belonged to Maeve.

"She furrowed her brow. "Reid are you all right? you look like you've seen a ghost."

"Elle, what are you doing here.?" he said, still trying to recover his composure.

She took his hand and led him to the couch. "I'm sorry if I scared you " she apologized.

He looked at her in wonderment as the pieces of the puzzle came together.

"You were in New York weren't you, and you were in my apartment before?" he asked, still reeling from seeing his old friend and colleague in his apartment.

She shrugged and gave him a guilty smile."Yes, this is my second time here and you weren't home, this time I stayed, and how I got in ...well you probably know "

Spencer did know, he recalled her very expertly picking a door lock long ago and him asking if she learned that in FBI School. He smiled at the memory and nodded.

She saw him staring at the sweater."Oh I hope you don't mind, I was cold and I borrowed youir sweater,"

He shook his head "It's ok, but I'm a little confused, why did you come to see me?" he persisted.

Elle cleared her throat.

"I heard about Maeve, I'm so sorry Spencer."

Everytime someone offered condolences it was like getting a punch in the gut. The pain was immediate and left him speechless, how did Elle know?

Elle understood his confusion and felt a little guilty for being so cloak and dagger with him, The last thing she wanted was to cause him any pain but she had her reasons. She asked him to be patient and she would explain everything.

"Could I get you something to drink first, I know I could use one" she offered. She felt a little odd playing hostess in_ his _apartment, though he didn't seem to mind.

"Yes, I'd love a coffee," he said.

She smiled to herself, only Reid could decompress with coffee.

"Ok then."

Elle fixed them both a cup and then she settled down on the couch beside him. She watched him as he sipped his coffee. Years ago she had always thought he was kinda cute and would one day be a fine looking man. She wasn't wrong, even though he was still long and lean there was something different about him now, it showed in his face. It wasn't just age or maturity but more like a loss of innocence. She could see pain lurking behind those eyes, even when he smiled. It saddened her.

His eyes met hers "How did you know about Maeve?" he asked.

"I still have friends at the FBI, ones I made when I worked in sex crimes, they have friends in your office, we still talk," she explained.

"He nodded," I see, why didn't you come see me in NYC?"

Elle sighed, "Spencer, I didn't want to run into Hotch or Morgan. Morgan can hold a grudge and Hotch... well I can still feel the disappointment emanating off of him at fifty paces." she explained. "Again, I'm sorry if I scared you. I mean't to come see you at your hotel, I chickened out."

Reid leaned back ."I'm glad to see you" he said simply.

"And I you. but I don't want to talk about me. Tell me about Maeve, how did you meet, what was she like,?" she asked gently.

Spencer looked at her in surprise. This was the first time anyone ever asked him about Maeve as a person, not a victim. He was even more surprised that he felt he really wanted to tell someone about her.

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Reid began at the beginning when he first received a very complimentary letter on an article he wrote for a scientific journal, not only did Maeve praise the article but she seemed to have an excellent grasp on the material. He was impressed by her insight and intelligence. He felt compelled to write her back until they began corresponding to one another on a regular basis. She helped him with his headache problem and he became her confident on the stalker that was terrorizing her. Eventually they found an unique way to call one another on the phone. He felt he could tell Maeve anything; he realized he was falling in love.

Elle watched Spencer's face as he talked about Maeve. He was very animated and his eyes shone as he recounted some of the conversations they had. A shadow seemed to cross over his features as he told her about his first and final meeting with the woman he loved. His eyes now shone with tears and his voice hitched as he spoke of her. Then he was silent. Elle reached over and took his hand and gave it a squeeze. Spencer gave her a sweet sad smile.

"Thank you for listening," he said.

Elle tried to blink away the tears she felt forming behind her eyes. She had done the only thing she felt she could do and that was listen.

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Derek Morgan stared at his phone. Did Spencer Reid just tell him Maeve was sleeping on his couch. He debated on who he should call if anyone.

"Fuck it, I'm going over there." He said aloud.

He decided just to go over there alone. If Reid had lost it and was running around with his underwear on his head, he was certain the boy genius sure as shit didn't want too many witnesses. With that decided he went out and got in his car and headed to Reid's.

TBC.

`AN. Please read and review. Thanks.


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